Or: An I Wish A Gut Year For Arrybudy
Or: Kaká Loves Cristiano Ronaldo And So Do We And By God So Will You By The Time We're Finished Here I Don't Care If You've Never Seen Soccer Before
by yeats & dorkorific.
*WARNING ALL OF THESE HAVE A BILLION PICTURES AND THEY WILL KILL YOUR BROWSER SO SORRY I'M NOT SORRY.
**WARNING 2 WE WROTE MOST OF THIS LAST SEASON SO THE CRIS SECTION IN PARTICULAR IS MISSING A LOT OF EUROS CUTENESS FEEL FREE TO DROP THAT SHIT OFF IN THE COMMENTS
PART ONE: CRISTIANO RONALDO, Or, Literally The Worst Human On Earth
You know that part of Pride and Prejudice where Jennifer Ehle has this look of cross-eyed twitterpation on her face, and she’s like, “I didn’t always love him. But I love him now so very dearly.” You know that part? That is me with Cristiano Ronaldo.
IN SUCH CASES A GOOD MEMORY IS UNPARDONABLE
“I’m not really into the pretty boy types,” I said. “He seems like a jerk,” I said. “His stomach looks like a manta ray,” I said. AND O HOW WRONG I WAS.
(Not about the manta ray thing. It really does look like that.)
Even if you’re not into soccer, you’ve probably heard of Cristiano Ronaldo. and you probably already have an opinion about him, which is like “isn’t he the ~*~diva~*~, with the TANNING and the TERRIBLE CLOTHES and the MACKING ON OUR HOMEGROWN AMERICAN CELEBRITIES?”
get it gurl
This, generally, is the media narrative regarding Cristiano Ronaldo. What's weird about it is that most criticisms tend to come down to either outdated whining about his diving and womanizing (he has exactly one very serious girlfriend and if you watch him play you'll see that he's constantly, doggedly up after getting fouled because he HATES LOSING AND WANTS TO MOVE ON); a holdover of the reflexive british sporting xenophobia that resented a swarthy foreigner winning things and not being especially shy about about; or “EYEBROWS!! GUCCI!!!! SHORT SHORTS!!!! ONE TIME I HAD A SEX DREAM ABOUT HIM AND IT WAS REALLY HOT AND IT WASN’T MY FAULT SHUT UP!!!!!”
I JUST DON'T THINK HE'S VERY TALENTED!!!!!
For debunking of these myths I can’t do much better than to link you to verses’ Cristiano Appreciation Thread. YOU SHOULD READ IT because it talks about all kinds of things we totally failed to address because we were tired, like Cris's non-drinking and his work ethic and his insanely cute relationship with his mother etc. But we are not capable of that kind of substance so let's just have some photos and talk about why your authors personally love him.
I was very simple, skinny, very ugly… I grew up in a very family-oriented atmosphere, I’m very attached to my family, very attached to my father, my mother, my siblings, my friends.
So basically Cris started playing professionally so early, and so well, that you kind of have to realize he never had a normal adolescence. He just had the one he went through on the field, in front of millions of people, which may explain much of the knee-jerk hate he still gets. Think about your journey through the stormy seas of puberty. Think about how great (NOT GREAT) it would be if the entire world had watched it on TV.
Our point, though, is that he was shouldering crazy amounts of responsibility since he was an actual baby. As his mom once said,"I'm amazed by the fact that my son is the most famous Portuguese person in the world. Especially considering where we come from."
His family was poor; his mom cooked and cleaned, and had spent a couple of years in France to try to support them. His father worked as the equipment manager of their local football team, Andorinha, which Cris joined at the age of 8.
On seeing Cris play for the first time, his godfather--a youth coach at one of Madeira's pro teams--said, "I knew that he played soccer, but I didn't know he was so good. He was miles better than the others. I realized straight away that the kid could be the savior of his family!"
So that's the kind of pressure we're talking about.
"Savior of his family" is a pretty intense phrase to use for an 8 year old child.
By 11, now playing for CD Nacional, he'd caught the eye of one of Portugal's big teams -- Sporting CP -- who wanted him so badly that, in exchange for Cris's transfer, they forgave 22,500 Euros of debt owed them by Nacional.
So basically, at the age of 12, he had to leave everyone and everything he knew and move to Lisbon, some 600 miles away on the mainland. SO THAT HE COULD SUPPORT HIS FAMILY. AS A 12 YEAR OLD. The first thing he did when he had the money was buy his mom a house. We didn't talk enough about his mom and how much he loves her in this primer. Mea maxima culpa.
Madeira, in reference to Portugal -- it's pretty far! This was Cristiano's first time on a plane.
About that time, he says, “Being there without your family, without your parents, without your sisters, with a language that’s quite different – it was still Portuguese, but my accent was very bad, and so it was difficult, very, very difficult. I suffered a lot, I cried every day because I wanted to see my family, and these were very complicated times... I would speak on the phone with my siblings and my mamá, and I would cry. I would buy a box of 30 telephone cards to use in the telephone booths, call Madeira, and as the values decreased very rapidly, I had to speak very fast with my siblings. Then I would go back to the residence and cry, it was like that almost every day. It was very, very difficult. And so that’s why I consider it the most difficult time of my life, on the sporting level.”
Look at this baby child. Don’t you just want to put him in your POCKET? Don’t you just want to protect him with your fists?? I do.
Then he went through this magnificently awkward period, where he had wonky teeth and pimples and his limbs were completely wackadoo. It makes people who complain about how he’s ~too flash and glamorous~ particularly hilarious to me. THIS KID?
ARE YOU SURE?
YOU MIGHT BE THINKING ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE. Although in fairness...
…he did grow out of it.
~*~His Terrible Fashion~*~
This is cited by haters as one of the many many things wrong with him, but I love it so much. He'll wear a pink flower in his hat and day-glo booty shorts: no fucks given whatsoever! Does not care! At all!
excuse my beauty
This is the outfit Cris decided to wear for the formal photos announcing that he'd signed a contract with extremely-big-deal English club Manchester United. Like, he woke up that day and thought "What is the flyest thing I own? What shirt will definitely make me look like a grownup athlete setting out on a career adventure?" AND HE PICKED THIS ONE.
"I don’t know why people are so interested in what I wear on holiday. Last year, when I was in LA, everyone was talking about my tight trunks. Have you seen what people in LA wear? I was the most normal dressed person over there. Anyway, what’s wrong with wearing tight pants? They look good and it’s better than having tan lines down your legs.”
the tight pants in question
“This year it was the pink hat with the flower. I don’t see what is wrong with it. I can see why, if you weren’t comfortable with your sexuality, you might not wear it. But I’m very comfortable so it’s not a problem for me. Men wear pink these days. OK, not many men wear flowers, but it’s good to be different.”
YOU TELL HIM, SWEETIE.
“lol u mad” --cristiano ronaldo
russell_crowe: A D-D-DIVA IS A FEMALE VERSION OF A HUSTLER
cristiano ronaldo fears no manpurse.
IS IT A COLLAR
IS IT A TIE
EXCELLENT WORK, YOU'VE TRULY OUTDONE YOURSELF.
flawfree, the end.
"The most underrated virtue Ronaldo has, on the pitch, is his bravery. Courage in football, as in life, comes in many forms. But the courage to continue, no matter how many times he is going to be kicked, identifies Ronaldo. Very few players have that level of courage. Some people believe the greatest courage in football is the courage to keep the ball. The other kind of courage - and it's a moral courage - is the courage to win the ball. That's what Ronaldo has. All the great players had it. (George) Best had it, (Sir Bobby) Charlton had it, (Eric) Cantona did. 'I'll take the kick, I'll take the injury, but I will keep the ball. I'll beat the bully.'"
--former coach Sir Alex Ferguson in The Times
One of the most heartbreaking things about watching Cris play is the staggering amount of hate he gets on the field. This isn’t unusual in the world of pro athletes, obviously -- but he has it particularly rough. the way he deals with it, like he’s undergoing some painful demonic ritual that’s ONLY MAKING HIM STRONGER, absolutely kills me.
One of his best buds, Brazillian defender Marcelo, is a frequent target of racial abuse on the field. This video is one of the fucking saddest things I’ve ever seen, and a pretty damning indictment of the culture in general. marcelo's FACE at :40. AND UGH THE WAY CRIS IS JUST LIKE "DON'T REACT."
Basically -- while the main takeaway from this video is obviously not ~cristiano omg creys~ but WOW HOLY SHIT ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS FUCK -- cris is someone who knows from virulent, insane hatred on the field, and the only advice he can give to his friends about it is: don't let them see that they've gotten to you. UGH, IT JUST DESTROYS ME INSIDE.
Actually, “Not letting anyone see that you’re upset” is not Cris’s strong suit, ha HA.
He holds himself to inhuman standards, and when he fails to meet them, he gets visibly upset. i mean, he doesn't bottle that shit up. some people find this irritating, presumably because it's effete. i happen to find it honest and sort of brave and lovely. you say potayto, i say fuck your couch.
plus, sometimes he’s kind of a beautiful cryer.
well. most of the time he's a hideous cryer.
i don't care. i love him regardless.
Q: In the last two months, you’ve had an impeccable attitude in those rival stadiums, and no one can reproach you.
A: Those fans can do whatever they want, but they’re never going to undermine my morale or psychologically influence the way I play. They can throw things at me but I’m not going to change the way I play. Whoever likes it likes it. And if you don’t like it, stay at home. I’m not made of iron and I know that you can’t do certain things, but it’s easy to talk about self control if you’re on your sofa watching the game at home. When you’re in the middle of a game with a lot of pressure and many people insulting or saying things about your mother, it’s difficult not to respond. I try to make sure that these things don’t keep me from doing my job well.
Cris gets the word "arrogant" a lot. Which, yeah -- in the sense that he doesn’t pretend to be shooting lower than he is, and he doesn’t pretend to be worse than he is. He’s not arrogant about his teammates. He’s not arrogant about his rivals. He’s only “arrogant,” if we can even use the word, about the standards to which he’s determined to hold himself.
**Which btw is a kind of arrogance that I EXPONENTIALLY prefer to a mincing, passive-aggressive dissembling that ranks the show of “humility” above presenting to the world an honest, flawed, passionate self. Kanye, will you explain this to people?
"Everybody always says, 'Be humble. Be humble.' When the last time somebody told you to be great, be amazing, be awesome. Be awesome!"
RIGHT ON, YEEZY. I think it takes balls to openly want to be awesome, to admit that you work hard to become your awesomest self, and to be okay with saying “I am awesome” when you are. I think that’s healthy, and I think it takes more courage than deciding never to say you’re striving for anything so no one can cut you down about it.
"I've never tried to hide the fact that it is my intention to become the best."
In one of his most infamous moments, after being hit with a nasty-spirited question about whyyyy do people haaaaaaate you so much, Cris said frankly, “People are probably jealous because I’m rich, handsome, and a great player. I don’t see any other explanation.”
While it was obviously delivered tongue-in-cheek, it’s also TOTALLY, LITERALLY TRUE.
See ya later!
[He’s responded to this question about 12000 times, ps. “The truth is, the truth is, the truth is… I’ve tried to analyze it many times, but I still don’t understand why. It could be because I’m a good player, because I’m handsome, because I’m ugly, for the way I am, for envy… I don’t know, I don’t know how to answer this.”]
On those fields where you’re insulted, are you capable of reversing the situation and transforming the criticism into praise?
I dream of this, but I’m not going to twist anyone’s arm, because they probably prefer to whistle than to applaud. For example, when I play well, some of my friends will tell me that I played regularly. I know when I play well. But if this happens with my friends, imagine how it’s like with the rest of the people. I don’t need anyone to tell me “do this or do that.” I know when I don’t do things well and that’s why I try to correct my defects.
no one can ever be as hard on this kid as he is on himself.
It took him a long time to win over the Madrid faithful, much as it is taking him a long time to win YOU over, but it did happen. And it will happen to you. This season, the Bernabeu finally chanted his name -- his teammates even encouraged them to chant it louder after THEY scored -- and he was so precious about it that I wanted to die.
HE'S SO BASHFUL AND HAPPY [HICCUPING SOBS]“The truth is that I’m very happy, because it was something I was hoping to see for a long time. I’m really happy for the fans to chant my name, as not only it is a great honor to me, but also to the entire team. Therefore, I’m very thankful for the support our fans keep giving me and the team, because we’ll only win important things if we keep strong and united.”
~*~His Fam: Genetic and Chosen~*~Q: Most people don’t know Cristiano Ronaldo, they don’t know that inside the locker room, he’s always laughing and joking around. But you’re also very competitive. People say you contribute to the great atmosphere. Is it hard for people to get to know the real Cristiano Ronaldo?
A: I don’t think so. I think the people who work with me each day, who see me each day know me, know how I am. But it’s true that people on the outside have a very different opinion, because they don’t know me, but that’s normal and I understand perfectly why it’s like. But those who do know me know how I am, what I like, what angers me, that I’m a very competitive person – everyone who knows me knows that – but I’m never going to change for the worse, I’m always going to be the same. But I think that most of the people who know me like me.
Cris is, as we've established, hated by an awful lot of people who watch him play. There's also a perennial rumor that comes up every couple of months about how he's such a terrible butthole in the locker room that no one he plays with can tolerate him either.
This, alas, is clearly true. I mean, let's go to the tape.“We have an especially good relationship. He speaks English perfectly, in the dressing room we sit almost side by side. Ronaldo and arrogant? These two words exclude each other...Ronaldo has been awarded as Europe’s top scorer and as a thanks he gave every player a trophy replica. This gesture shows that Ronaldo is zero arrogant, not a bit.” --Cris’s new colleague, Nuri Sahin, probably a mistranslation
omg put nuri down, you MONSTER
“People have to realise who Cristiano is. He is an exemplary professional who works harder than anyone else. No-one ever doubts his love and his involvement in Madrid. It is a lie to say that he is selfish. [Question: But isn’t it bad when he refuses to celebrate a goal?] So what? Doesn’t the boy have the right to be huffy one day? He has character, he is very hot-blooded. We must accept and love him as he is, with his qualities and defects. And Cristiano has much more qualities than defects.” --ZINEDANE MOTHERFUCKING ZIDANE, clearly brainwashed
"Cristiano has spent the entire year thinking about the team and we tried to help him, but it wasn’t to be today.” --Esteban Granero, Cris’s teammate who also hasn’t played as many minutes as he maybe deserves, on trying to get Cris some goals so he could challenge Lionel Messi for the top scoring stats in La Liga this season. One must assume he said this because Cris is super selfish and if he doesn't get to be top scorer he will probably quit Madrid and all of soccer tbh.
another attempt to strangle him foiled
Remember when Mesut Ozil, who barely speaks spanish even after two years at Madrid, said of Cristiano that "He tells really good jokes"?
This leaves, as far as I can tell, basically three possibilities.
1. Cris is telling jokes in such elementary spanish that even Mesut understands them. which means it is on the level of "what time is it when an elephant sits on your fence"/"TIME FOR A NEW FENCE LOLOLOL!!!" and yet even so Mesut is like "HA HA BEST JOKES CRISTIANO"
2. Cris is LEARNING jokes in german for the specific purpose of delighting Mesut
3. There is some kind of telephone/assembly-line joke translation system wherein Cris tells a joke and one of the other Germans takes the time to translate it and then like five minutes later Mesut laughs.
<--all of these possibilities point to a single conclusion, viz., CRISTIANO RONALDO IS A MONSTER Q.E.D.
"I can't wait to go back to England, a land completely free of miserable egomaniacs like you."
TRYING TO SABOTAGE YOUR TEAMMATE'S TRAINING I SEE
an asshole dance only danced by assholes
omg leave meireles alone cris LEAVE HIM ALONE
he's also super rude when his teammates are struggling with basic human tasks such as opening a water bottle
"According to players on Madrid’s youth teams (starting with Castilla and going all the way down to the juveniles), Cristiano Ronaldo is the nicest player on the first team. Those who have run into him the hallways and pool of Valdebebas (the places where the youth players coincide the most with first team players) say that he greets everyone he meets and always has time to chat with them. Cris asks them how they are, how they’re playing… And he even told them what he was doing to recover from his injury, how he was, and doled out advice to prevent injuries.
Cristiano is also quite attentive with the canteranos that come to train with the first team, offering to help them out with whatever they need and in general being affectionate with them."
the watermark is presumably there to hide cris's face of utter disdain at having to take a photo with these NOBODIESInterviewer: “Can you easily forgive?”
Cris: “The few real friends I have, I don’t have to forgive.
Or better: I trust in them 100%. I would give my life for them”.
barely tolerating one another tbh
omg people are trying to watch the basketball game you jerk
egocentric nightmare thinks he’s the swan queen
OH GOOD HE'S UNCONSCIOUS WE'RE FREE AT LAST
but in all seriousness, i cried and i was in the bath
but no one hates him more than his noble, constitutionally incompatible captain, iker casillas.
"your looks and demeanor are an insult to the club that i love"
"i'm perched on your lap while you're half-naked bc i can't think of any other way to express how much i loathe you"
At the end of the season, by way of confirming their mutual antipathy, iker drunkenly hung onto cris's shoulders and presented him to the cheering crowds. they made a really cute royal couple (who hated each other).
makes everyone come to HIM instead of taking the hug to THEM. typical diva behavior, amirite bambi?
bambi is also a diva nightmare.
LEAVE HIM ALONE JESUS H CHRIST
his goal celebrations are notoriously
and his teammates hate him so much that they OPENLY MOCK HIM AS HE CELEBRATES
actually they openly mock him pretty much all the time.
ARROGANT MONSTER THINKS HIS FRIENDS ARE A POGO STICK WTF
doooon't toooouch meeeeee
"filling this kid's plate with carbs so that he will get fat and then NO ONE WILL BE CUTER THAN ME HA HA HA HAAAA" --cristiano ronaldo, human nightmare.
“awww bless, he’s snoozin. i'm gonna shave his head”
And then naturally no one hates him more than his national & club opponents."They say he is arrogant, but I remember how friendly and funny he is. Yes, it is difficult to resist the mirror, but he’s a good guy."
he's also super adorbs I MEAN DISGUSTING with his current -- and only, ricky excluded -- girlfriend, russian supermodel irina shayk.
WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN
hideous egomaniac grows bored of jacket, forces girlfriend to wear it
ACTUAL CANNIBAL CRISTIANO RONALDO
I AM CRISTIANO AND I DEMAND HUGS
this fucking hat gurl make him burn it
One time before a game Marcelo had an eyelash on his face so Cristiano brushed it off and had him make a wish on it.
THIS REALLY HAPPENED IN REAL LIFE BETWEEN GROWN MEN.
Speaking of which, ~*~HIS FAAAAAAACE~*~
He’s such a goofball. I can’t deal with it. Seriously, I can’t.
HELLO EVERYBODY GUYS!!
he's so terrible at being on the bench and not able to actively contribute, IT'S MY FAVORITE
baby.Q: Would you like to be the captain of Real Madrid?
A: It would be an honor, but it’s not something that attracts me. I don’t feel like a leader; we all have our own personality and I can lead in other ways. I feel like an important player and I can be a leader in some things, in my own way, the same that Sergio Ramos or Iker do in other ways.
fake bitch can't wink without squinting both eyes
ACHOO LOL BLESS ME!
not the droids you're looking for
"I am living a dream I never want to wake up from."
I should admit right here, lest I be accused of disingenuousness, that Cristiano Ronaldo has a body on him.
“The kid makes you sick. He looks the part, he walks the part, he is the part. He's six-foot something, fit as a flea, good-looking - he's got to have something wrong with him....Hopefully he's hung like a hamster! That would make us all feel better!” --Ian Holloway
hint: he isn’t
Weather report around here:
So there's that.
~*~ALSO EVERYTHING ELSE~*~
his flawless taste in music.
NO ONE HAS EVER EXPLAINED THIS TO ME AND I THINK IT'S BETTER THAT WAY
very good dancing.
what a coincidence because i am AGONY in my face and heart
We didn't talk very much about his son because it's TOO MUCH, but here is a BEAUTIFUL GIF OF THEM. look at his HORRIBLE BELT and his huge hand and Cris Jr.'s tiny fingers uahgdfhgjfdshgshghhghghghghghghghhhh
in a good way.
He loves his two stupid dogs and they sure do love him back with all of their tiny dog brains. i take this kind of thing into account when judging a person's character.
CRIS CRIS CRIS CRIS CRIS HEY IS THIS THE GAME WHERE I'M A PILLOW
AWWWW YEAAAAAH YEAH IT IS
and let's not even start on what it's like to watch him play but holy SHIT it's so great to watch him play.
even when he derps it's beautiful.
i mean, wat.
I'LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN I'M OVER IT!
Anyway basically so that’s Cris: a beautiful machine who turns hatred into goals, records, and abdominal muscle.
CONTINUE TO PART TWO: TROLLIN 4 JESUS