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no wonder i don't have any money [16 May 2011|08:01pm]
I'm behind on comments and there are a trillion things I am tempted to talk about -- mostly, let's be honest, soccer, NBC's thursday night lineup (I think "The Fight" might have been my favorite episode of anything on television, ever? but maybe that's just the Snake Juice talking) and dudes. Because I watched Easy A again. That Stanley Tucci, AM I RIGHT LADIES???

But more importantly: consumerism. You know "Things I Bought That I Love," Mindy Kaling's tragically defunct listing of/commentary on same? I wanna do it. I buy things, especially now that I have a real job and I am confused by how much money that involves. (hint: it's not a lot. but anything over, say, $17k a year seems to me miraculous and I feel like I have to SPEND IT ALL RIGHT AWAY JESUS CHRIST I CANNOT DEAL WITH HAVING ANY MONEY GET IT OUT OF MY POCKETS.)

So here's some stuff I think is pretty great, for various shallow reasons. I bought it and I anti-regret it every day. You should buy it too.

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I think ten is enough, so let's cut it off there. PLAY ME OFF, RON SWANSON/GREATEST GIF EVER

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help_japan fic #1: minus the shooting 1/? (trek rps, football rps[? ????]) [07 May 2011|01:04pm]
title: Minus the Shooting (1/?)
author: Rave (dorkorific)
rating: PG
characters: Chris Pine, Xabi Alonso, Zachary Quinto, Steven Gerrard, etc.
disclaimer: Absolutely 100% untrue
words: ~3200.
summary: fragment of a larger AU. Chris Pine, the highest-paid American player in the EPL, makes an ill-thought-out transfer; Xabi Alonso, PR guru, has to handle the fallout. (Googledocs name: CFineIsFernandoTorresKindOf.)

When I am old, and my grandchildren ask me what I have accomplished in my life, I will wheeze out, "One time...I wrote an internet fan fiction...where the guy from Star Trek...played professional soccer in England....and I took it....very seriously." And they will exchange nervous looks, but my face will be wreathed in a last contented smile.

Written for anna_unfolding's incredibly generous help_japan donation and hilarious/wonderful prompt. (srsly I kind of wish I could just post the email, it's goddamned amazing.) gurl. you are a great boss. thx for letting me do this in bits and i seriously hope you like it as that is my sole purpose rn.

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[05 May 2011|11:23am]

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Okay! So many feelings! Taking deep breaths, trying to actually do some work. at the office. I know it's crazy, but it might just work.
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[ mood | ha ha ha ha ha ha. ]

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[22 Apr 2011|01:56pm]
Little to say about the Copa final, except that I really, really love this team, like, to an extent that's genuinely stupid and uncalled for. and my affection for Cris -- never minor at the best of times -- reached points of genuine hysteria.


I've been wearing my jersey so often that I feel like it's gonna fuse to my body, like an exoskeleton. Whatever. Worth it. I wore it, in fact, to a DC United game with dae5885 last night; the dress code at DCU games, apparently, is less "wear DCU gear" than "wear something that shows you have heard of the sport of soccer." MAD arsenal jerseys up in that stadium, let me tell you. and one guy in a Torres LFC jersey. Dude. look at your choices.

Anyway, we got our asses handed to us -- 4-0, our worst loss at home in 11 years -- which dampened my spirits somewhat, but not really. On my way out of the stadium I tripped on the sidewalk and went absolutely ass over cupcakes, and was immediately helped up by crew of boisterous El Salvadoran dudes yelling HALA MADRID and ARE YOU OK MESUT and, best of all, YOU FELL LIKE THE COPA! "At least you didn't get hit by a bus!" said one of them as I dusted myself off.

"Sergioooooo," I said, pumping my fists. SERGIOOOOOOOOO, they yelled back.

UGH, IT WAS GREAT. Dae, thanks for tolerating me yesterday. I know it was not easy.

Poetry Month make-up extravaganza time now. some about lady stuff. some about other stuff.

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the next two weeks should be some FUN TIMES [16 Apr 2011|03:33pm]
[ mood | aiiiiiii ]

I painted my nails last night, while a) drunk and b) typing half-lucidly at tyrannicides. "i need to sleep with white nails," i thought, "otherwise how can we win????"

Needless to say they do not look so hot this morning. like, one of them has legit bite marks? meaning i gnawed off half of it in the night. good job. but other than that, i'm Collapse )

anyway, quick note to all of you on my flist who give a shit about CLASIPOCALYPSE: i'm pretty sure we're all stressed and probably at least halfway through our bottles of pre-match booze and/or comfort food, so let's all be nice to each other, at least in public. basic decency. i fully intend to put all my smug shit under a cut <---hahahahah nervous, halfhearted shit talking. anyway, in private feel free to talk about what a bunch of unrepentant dicks the other team & its supporters are. in the meantime,


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15. Richard Siken: The Problem [15 Apr 2011|11:39am]
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14. Douglas Kearney: from The Poet Writes The Poem That Will Certainly Make Him Famous [14 Apr 2011|10:43pm]
I thought of a lot of ways to set this one up, but they all boiled down to: this poem is not comfortable but it is really fucking good and you should read it. the end.

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[13 Apr 2011|02:45pm]
Wedding was beautiful. As predicted, I wept in the middle of the song, like fuckin Celine Dion. As also predicted, no one noticed because they were also weeping. The rest of the wedding was just the kind of shitshow success I would expect from the wedding of two of my favorite people in all the world, and I have great taste in humans, so that means something.

WAY behind on poetry month anfjkds. A kinder woman would give you guys a break and just call this one unwinnable, but I am not that woman. No, I am just going to post five poems, none of them long, which is a goddamn challenge for me let me just tell you. DEALWITHIT.GIF

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07. Frank O'Hara: Having A Coke With You; 08. Louise Glück: Anniversary [08 Apr 2011|01:04pm]
I'm singing at a wedding today. It's two of my best friends, and I can't tell if I'm going to cry or vomit or, like, vomit through my tears, because I love them so much. ahahhaha. MY FEELINGS. and it's just, like, I didn't think it would be that big a deal, because they've been together since college? so like, at this point who cares. AND YET HERE I AM, warming up in a hotel room in chicago, a complete mess.

pomes about love today.

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06. Sylvia Plath: The Applicant [06 Apr 2011|01:26pm]
Sylvia Plath

First, are you our sort of a person?
Do you wear
A glass eye, false teeth or a crutch,
A brace or a hook,
Rubber breasts or a rubber crotch,

Stitches to show something's missing? No, no? Then
How can we give you a thing?
Stop crying.
Open your hand.
Empty? Empty. Here is a hand

To fill it and willing
To bring teacups and roll away headaches
And do whatever you tell it.
Will you marry it?
It is guaranteed

To thumb shut your eyes at the end
And dissolve of sorrow.
We make new stock from the salt.
I notice you are stark naked.
How about this suit----

Black and stiff, but not a bad fit.
Will you marry it?
It is waterproof, shatterproof, proof
Against fire and bombs through the roof.
Believe me, they'll bury you in it.

Now your head, excuse me, is empty.
I have the ticket for that.
Come here, sweetie, out of the closet.
Well, what do you think of that?
Naked as paper to start

But in twenty-five years she'll be silver,
In fifty, gold.
A living doll, everywhere you look.
It can sew, it can cook,
It can talk, talk , talk.

It works, there is nothing wrong with it.
You have a hole, it's a poultice.
You have an eye, it's an image.
My boy, it's your last resort.
Will you marry it, marry it, marry it.
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hsfkjsd [05 Apr 2011|01:19pm]
1. help_japan: absolutely massive. I'm so grateful to everybody who participated, so overwhelmed by the generosity of the winners, and so, SO psyched about my prompts. oooo if you guys only knewwww.

2. turned 26 this weekend. HA HA, BYE 25. You were a hell of a year. Remember those time I endured some heartwrenching/wackadoo family stuff, dropped out of law school, got serious and effective psychiatric treatment for the first time, lost all my money, fell chastely instantaneously gut-wrenchingly in hopeless love with a person for the first time, fell joyfully carnally insanely in love with writing for the second time, and got my first real job? Oh, wait, that was ALL THIS YEAR? jesus fucking christ. No wonder I literally had this conversation with a friend of mine:

HER: So are you excited for your birthday?
ME: Eh. Sort of. I mean, it's just -- it's kind of. Late twenties, you know? I guess I would have thought I'd accomplished more by this age.*
HER: I don't know that I'd call it "late" twenties.
ME: Well, you know. Twenty-seven, I'd call that late twenties. Like how an eighty-seven is a B plus.
HER: ...Twenty-seven.
ME: Yes.
HER: You -- what year were you born.
ME: Nineteen eighty-fi....oh.

*jk. I have actually accomplished plenty.

Anyway, it was also the first time that I have totally not cared about doing anything on the day, or whether anyone remembered, and that part was really nice. I got to have a booze brunch with my friends and a fancy tapas dinner with the fam, including a magnificent interlude during which my mom tipsily described the entire plot of my favorite movie to my dad, who was totally bewildered. "ONLY THEN SHE GETS UP ON STAGE YOU KNOW AND SHE SAYS 'I CAN DO ANY OF THE ROUTINES, JUST NAME A ROUTINE,' BUT THEN THE BAD DEVELOPER GUY WITH THE HANDSOME BEARD TRIES TO WOO HER WITH SHOES, ONLY SHE'S IN LOVE WITH THE BARTENDER WHO WEARS THE EYELINER BECAUSE SHE THINKS HE'S GAY, ONLY HE ISN'T GAY BUT HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND." much attention paid to how much she loves stanley tucci [like mother, like daughter, apparently]. I almost wept. So all in all, I give this birthday a thumbs-up.

3. more importantly. poetry. these are three of my absolute favorites, and each one deserves its own entry. If not, like, its own graduate thesis. Ugh, who am I kidding, everything I post this month will be my favorites. But really, you should read these.

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01. se llama poesía; 02. otters [01 Apr 2011|09:53am]
omg omg National Poetry Month: the most beautiful month of the year, even if it's distinctly NOT beautiful right now. because I haven't taken on enough, I'm gonna tear a page from the book of yeats and try to post at least 30 poems, one for each day of April. I already know this is a doomed enterprise, because I will be at 12,000 weddings. So some days we'll have two. Today is such a day.

Pedro Arturo Estrada
trans. Laura Chalar

             —Homenaje a Aldo Pellegrini

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Jordan Davies

So much of poetry
Is filled with stuff
That fills poetry. Also,
This stuff is so often
Arranged in a way
Stuff is arranged
In poetry. We ought
To get together
And steal time
From our jobs
To put stuff
In poetry
That wasn't
There before,
And arrange it
In a way stuff
Isn’t usually arranged.
Click here to watch
A video of otters
Floating, holding hands.
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DRIVEBY DRUNK/JOYFUL POST [30 Mar 2011|11:24pm]

BIDDING ON help_japan ENDS TONIIIIIGHT and man I am so excited to wake up tomorrow and find out what i'm gonna write. It's like christmas! CLAPPY SEAL HANDS! !!!

I am honestly amazed at the generosity people have exhibited so far, to the point that I almost feel presumptuous encouraging y'all to continue bidding? whatever, that shit's for a good cause, AND it's tax-deductible, what up. HIT ME RIGHT HERE.

also omg do you guys know what april is

it is


and i will be posting so much poetry

so I think it's time for a preview

how about this one. for learning.

Brian McCabe

Listen up. This is how
We're about to count from now on.

We got a one: I. We got a five: V.
We got a ten: X. We got a fifty: L.
We got a hundred: C. We got a five hundred: D.
Also plus we got a thousand: M.

That's it. That's all we need.
The fuck with dealing out letters
to two three four six seven eight nine,
eleven twelve thirteen etcetera.

Those motherfuckers can go eat shit.
The rule is: you add the little fish
if it comes after the big fish
because the big fish eats it, right?

When the little fish comes before
the big fish, you take it away -
on account of the big fish ain't
ate it yet, okay? Any questions?

Whaddya mean howdya write
one hundred and sixty-four?
Am I talking to myself here?
CLXIV. Dumbfuck.

This means Tony the Scribe
only needs to know seven letters
to run any number we tell him.
Okay, let's go eat Chinese.
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po tay to hash with whatever [24 Mar 2011|08:09pm]
Oh, hello, internet. I didn't see you there. Welcome to my stately tudor farmhouse!* I was just arranging some flowers** and handweaving a basket of rushes from my garden.*** Today, we're going to cook a delicious**** artisanal peasant feast!***** Join me, won't you?

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*flophouse in Shaw
***flipping between "snapped" and "an idiot abroad"
*****food for poor people.

help_japan closes in two days ETA: the sagacious mardia informs me that actually it closes on, uh, the 30th or possibly the 31st. So um, no rush.

HOWEVER, my thread is still here, I'll be ficcing for the highest two bidders, and let me re-emphasize, I WILL WRITE THE SHIT OUT OF WHATEVER YOU WANT provided I know anything about it. Do you want an AU where Chris Pine is an up-and-coming American soccer star and he has to ~*~prove himself~*~, sensually, to the player of your choice? I will do that. Do you want Regency lotrips? I will do that. Do you want Judi Dench/James Franco? ...oh, that's just me?

Whatever. You guys are lame.

re that poll I posted whenever-ago: Y'all are almost as pantsless a crew as I am. I LOVE IT.
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football rps: well. porn. [14 Mar 2011|09:21pm]
Title: The District, Outtake 1: The Au Pair
Author: Rave (dorkorific)
Fandoms: Football RPF AU
Characters: Xabi Alonso, Mats Hummels, Steven Gerrard
Disclaimer: I probably don't have to tell you that this entire premise is ludicrous.
Warnings: explicit sex, voyeurism(?), power-play-ish themes
Summary: Political AU; Xabi meets the guy taking care of Stevie's kids.

Notes: OKAY WELL. The next part of the District is goin’ slow, but I guess that's one of the fun little quirks of the WIP as an “art form.” So why don’t I post some sexy sexy sex stuff that can’t actually fit into the story? For example: did u know there is District backstory wherein Mats Hummels is the Gerrards’ au pair, and he and Xabi have a month of WILD NSA BANGIN, which is great for them but really uncomfortable for Stevie? It’s true! But unfortunately, it is problematic in terms of characterization/storyline! So that’s what this is: an AU of an AU, created solely as an excuse for shameless porn involving Xabi Alonso and Mats Hummels.

Oh, do you want some kind of context? OK, uh, it’s spring 2009, Mats is a German hipster art student and au pair and, as in real life, a man who looks like Bernini’s David. Therein endeth the context.

yeats wrote significant portions of this with me on gchat while we were both at work. Great job, thanks everybody.

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And then there’s the part where uh. this happens?

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a public service announcement, sponsored by just blaze & the good folks at roc-a-fella records [13 Mar 2011|09:21pm]
While chipping away at Districtverse (sneak peak: Cris and Lilly-Ella are bffs), I signed up for help_japan. Because, I don't know. I've somehow never done fandom charity before? I just -- the footage is fucking awful, and whatever, my thread is here, if you should happen to be interested in some ridiculous crossover AU in which Robert Downey Jr. and Pepe Reina fight crime in the 1920s, or whatever it is that I do.

Also, because I feel shitty about not having participated in this kind of thing years ago, I'll match a portion of any bids I get and send it to Direct Relief's continuing efforts in Haiti. More bang for your buck!
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[09 Mar 2011|08:48pm]
1. hi guys! So I haven't been on lj much, but there is actually a REASON this time other than my usual i-hate-everyone-retreat-into-luddite-hermitage phase of the moon stuff. I started a new job! I have never had a full-time job before. I mean, I have worked full time, but it's always been hourly, so I never actually knew what I was getting paid any given week because money scares me, and I never had health insurance* or, you know, "a plan," (ha ha, like I have one now) or anything like that. Did you know that getting a paycheck for a full time job is FUCKING AWESOME??? it is!

the downside is I have to actually do work? this part I could do without. however, I figure the people sitting behind me have seen variations on the phrase "stroking his dick" so many times in my googledocs that it doesn't even interest them any more, so I figure I'm safe.

2. HOWEVER. my life as an adult is not what I thought it would be, when I was not an adult. (I am not a marine biologist, I am not in a relationship with cary elwes who keeps begging to marry me and I say NO CARY, I HAVE TO FOCUS ON MY CAREER and then we touch each other's faces tenderly and he "takes me to his bed" whatever that involves.) No, rather it goes like this:

--nightly half-bottle or thereabouts of wine, of which I have a case in my back room (does that count as "adult?" buying shit in bulk?)
-–cooking those damn beans and/or ordering three things from the takeout guy because I have to beat that pesky minimum,
--prurient chats with yeats and russell_crowe about assorted football AUs,
--sulking about the insane glut of weddings I have to attend
this exact outfit every day as soon as I get off work:

yeah, y'all bitches WISH your grandpa could rock these hideous-ass slippers with my level of pasty aplomb.

Appalling as all of this is, I kind of think it's awesome. no wonder people want to grow up.


Poll #1715940 I AM MAKING A POLL

Do you guys enjoy your adulthood? Current, late, or incipient?

I like that I can choose whether or not to wear pants. (Not.)
I wish I were still a kid so I could believe in stuff like Narnia and practical liberalism.
HAHA yeah that was a fun phase.

But uh, seriously, is it okay that I am nearly 26 years old, drunk and watching tivo'd "toddlers and tiaras" at 8:30 on, colloquially speaking, a School Night?

Dude. Probably not.
You're an adult, you're gonna have to make this call on your own
It is ok as long as you use your drunkenness for a good purpose, like doing dishes or building a blanket fort.

What is your post-work outfit? This jersey is getting kinda vile from over-wear.

3. HA HA, I was writing this enormous thing at the insane pace of, like, a part per week at minimum. And now it's been multiple weeks! This, I remember now, is why WIPs are a bitch: the sense of FLYING LIKE AN INVINCIBLE SKY TANK through your story, and then all of a sudden you run up against something you don't want to do, like "conflict" or "plot," and you are like...but. I was so good at banter. Can I just stick with banter?

whateva, whateva, I'm taking the pressure off by spending most of my time making a soundtrack for it on grooveshark instead of actually writing it. and making costume designs on polyvore. and thinking about other AUs. and writing xabi alonso/mats hummels porn. AUs GIVE ME THIS FREEDOM, and I am pleased to abuse it.

*I mean, I still don't, but that's because I forgot to sign up for it and my time expired. ups.
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FIC: The District (6/?) [15 Feb 2011|02:55pm]
Title: The District (6/?)
Author: Rave (dorkorific)
Fandoms: Football RPF. The West Wing (eventually). Punditfic.
Characters: Xabi Alonso, Steven Gerrard, Cesc Fabregas, Iker Casillas. Full, [not yet]-updated cast list here.
Disclaimer: Surely I don't have to tell you that this entire premise is ludicrous.
Warnings: None.
Summary: AU. Iker Casillas, a young state legislator from the fictional state of Fairfield, launches an unlikely bid for Senate.
Notes: At end.

Part One.
Part Two.
Part Three.
Part Four.
Part Five.

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i cannot believe i am actually going to post this [09 Feb 2011|09:37pm]
I have so far resisted doing some kind of insane Xabi Alonso spam, for two reasons: 1. too lazy, 2. every time I would start I would just get distracted and stare at him for a long time having very grown-up feelings, and 3. I didn't want you guys to know how many pictures of him I have saved on my computer. It's a lot. Like, a lot?

But then he did this photoshoot with his fucking unbelievably stunning wife, and the article is full of these perfect little moments which are like -- you know when you daydream about how you're gonna marry a celebrity and be in Vogue together and everyone will marvel at your shared perfection, how beautiful and YET how down to earth, how sophisticated AND YET how charming, how WILDLY IN LOVE AND YET NOT ANNOYING, and everyone will want your life and you will never have any problems again? Because of the waaaaaay heeeeee (or she) looks at youuuuuuu? OKAY THIS SHOOT IS THAT DAYDREAM, ONLY IT IS REAL. And as I was gazing at these pictures all stupid day, I thought: other people should be as miserable* as I am right now.

I wrote that paragraph like...a month ago and then I forgot about this post. UNTIL TODAY.

So. Here it is. For those of you who have been like "who the eff is this dude she is obsessed with," SOON YOU WILL UNDERSTAND. For those of you who know, LET'S TALK ABOUT IT. Are you ready? Prepare for browser/dialup meltdown, turn down the lights, start the fire put on the sensual soundtrack of your choice, and let us begin.

OR: If I Hear The Word 'Classy' One More Fucking Time I Swear To God

OR: The Most Embarrassing Thing I Have Posted In This Journal In Recent Memory Which Is Saying Something

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*I say "miserable" because sometimes when I really love and desire things I sort of want to punch them or set them on fire a little bit? I didn't really graduate past kindergarten in this respect. I call it the "Fuck You Penguin" instinct. That's how I feel about this photoshoot. basically my whole soul is like:

...but also I just want to attach my face to his face, forever. You know, normal adult stuff.

I should add that like. Homeboy is also really good at soccer and I am deeply, appreciatively aware of that? I don't know to whom I am getting all defensive. GENDERED NATURE OF SPORTS FANDOM!!

sources: unamadridista, albion_lass's amazing gifspams, fuck yeah xabi alonso, and the magnificent pam from fyxabigifs. I am CERTAIN my extensive internet trolling has involved other people. so please let me know if you are one of them.

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