Author: Rave (dorkorific)
Rating: oh jeez uhh PG? Let's say PG or PG-13 for pansexual whimsy.
Notes: So I had this idea in my head that Eames's day job is Acting. That makes sense, doesn't it? There cannot be so many dream-invasion companies set up that he can just rotate between them, so he's gotta take that talent for mimicry elsewhere. I feel like he is the kind of low-rent actor who does historical figures at educational events (his specialty is Teddy Roosevelt) and occasionally shows up wearing full on 90's fashion on billboards in, like, Kiev, shilling discount phone cards.
None of this is really relevant to the posted ficlet, except a) I think it is correct, b) it would explain why Eames is so desperate for a job that he would actively seek it out instead of just playing coy in Mombasa like he usually does, and c) I like it. So one day he is in, like, Buenos Aires, his contract with an experimental touring puppet theater having expired several weeks ago, and he is just like UGH WHAT IS MY LIFE and then this happens.
This isn't actually, you know, a story with an arc or whatever. It is...I don't know what it is. It's twenty-four emails.
SUBJECT: IMPORTANT EMERGENCY CRISIS
Arthur pet – need your help. I've no phone at present so I hope against hope you've entered the 21st century and check your email – let me know if you get this or am I just fruitlessly petitioning the void --
The next day, he comes back to the café to find something in his inbox.
SUBJECT: Re: IMPORTANT EMERGENCY CRISIS
Is this like the time you ate some unidentified fungus from that girl you met in Patong Beach & called asking if I were a magician would you be the rabbit or the hat? Then sent fifty text messages long distance: "RABBIT OR HAT" "RABBIT OR HAT" "RABBIT OR HAT"? If that's it go away. I'm busy. Drink some water.
Oh, God. It's hopeless; against all his wishes and his better judgment, Eames still finds Arthur painfully delightful. He can't stop grinning at his computer screen, like a twit.
SUBJECT: Re: Re: IMPORTANT EMERGENCY CRISIS
No fungi – only endless yearning for your company/body as always – but the important bit is Im unemployed -- I expect you need me for something no one else on the planet can do, and someone (ask Saito my old buddy old chum old pal) can pay me generously to do it -- figure out what it is & get back to me--
SUBJECT: How can it be a crisis when the solution is so obvious
Have you looked into prostitution? –A.
SUBJECT: good god
Did you just say something mildly funny on purpose?? --Who is this and what have you done with Arthur -- and is he still handcuffed -- and if so please provide directions and nutella – E xx
SUBJECT: Re: good god
Was that funny? I was honestly asking. –A.
SUBJECT: Now you're just grasping at excuses to think about me naked
Have I looked into prostitution -- the answer is "extensively"
Doubt you can afford me (if you even have working equipment at all -- the jury is out, curse your discretion) – but could be persuaded to give you a free sample as you're an old friend – it's not reliable employ though – and I'm so bored of my own degeneracy.
Say you've got some good honest crime for me to perpetrate and I promise to god I'll forge ingrid bergman or alain delon or the Duke of Windsor -- whoever the hell it is you have your priggish, fully-clad fantasies about – and then sloppily fellate you in your subconscious, free of charge – I swear it. Did I mention the nutella
SUBJECT: Re: Now you're just grasping at excuses to think about me naked
oh lord darling Im already sorry I said that about your equipment -- I take it all back & will forthwith describe your genitalia, which I'm certain is functional, massive & totally gorgeous – the torre agbar of penises -- in only the most glowing terms, if you will just a) show it to me and/or b) get me a job. Im so bored, skint, and fucked in every way – help help help -- a filthy photograph is really the least you could do – E xx
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Now you're just grasping at excuses to think about me naked
For God's sake Eames,
Did you know other people work in this room and they can read my email? I mean Jesus Christ. I forget the extent of how much you annoy me and then I swear to God you surpass my expectations every time. What do you get out of it? Why do you think I would employ you? Why do you think I want "sloppy" oral sex from you dressed up in blond hair and a bad accent? I don't even know why I'm replying to this.
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: Now you're just grasping at excuses to think about me naked
picture not attached, please resend -- E xx
By then Eames is pretty sure it's only a matter of time.
When he comes in next morning, after buying his empanada and cup of harsh coffee and a king's ransom in access minutes, he finds that he was right.
SUBJECT: arthur says you need a job
with that vein in his forehead twitching away, poor lamb, so you must be in prime form. don't be difficult please. dom and i could use you and we'd rather you didn't give our point man an aneurysm during your tenure.
we're in seattle. i don't know where you are so you can buy your own plane ticket and get in touch when you land.
(i know you're not totally unemployed though. saito saw you on Fuji TV dressed as Ben Franklin shilling sports drinks so we all watched it on youtube. repeatedly. nice knickers.)
SUBJECT: Re: arthur says you need a job
Oh God Ariadne, Ariadne – soft-glittering star of my pixie schoolgirl fantasies – my sweet, you're a tiny angel – I have every intention of being a model employee – provided you haven't established a sexual harassment policy -- I will violate that one daily.
Will notify you of my arrival – prepare to be swept up and made 30 seconds of frenzied but passionate love to – if Cobb objects you may tell him from me to suck my left one –
your Eames xxxxxxxx
ps actually it was an antique baseball uniform – and if you admired my curvaceous shins in those breeches just wait until you see them in person
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Arthur says you need a job
The lady's not interested in your shins. Looking forward to working with you.
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: Arthur says you need a job
Oh I see – eyes for your shins alone, I suppose – well I'll try not to be deliberately provocative but I can't help that I look like I was carved out of marble by adoring nymphs -- E xx
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: Re: Arthur says you need a job
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Arthur says you need a job
Admit it -- you've missed my pansexual whimsy
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Arthur says you need a job
You're fired twice.
SUBJECT: I'm coming on top of you Friday night
-- In an airplane – what did you think? Out of the gutter darling – out of the gutter and into my waiting arms. E xx
Eames, You must come to Seattle immediately. The joy I derive from watching Arthur's face while he reads your emails is second only to the joy of watching his face while he deals with you in person. Also of course as a colleague I respect you immensely and should enjoy working with you again.
PS: Ariadne and I have a theory that Arthur's ultimate fantasy is about the entire Rat Pack all at once. It is not sexual. They stand on a revolving platform in front of a mirror and admire themselves, while an audience of seamstresses applauds rapturously.
Yusuf Saadeh, Ph.D.
Visiting Lecturer, Dept. of Chemical Engineering
Benson Hall 109
University of Washington
SUBJECT: Ooh-er the gentleman is a Lecturer now???
Ahh his squinchy little hiding-my-rage face, I know it well – it's a joy -- see you soon amore mio – oh & since you have access to top-quality academic gear, you might whip up some recreational hallucinogen as a welcome-back gift – I could use a vision quest.
That fantasy you two have cooked up for Arthur is brilliant and disturbingly plausible – we'll have to brainstorm on the subject --
SUBJECT: Your E-mails Are Unprofessional.
At Yusuf's summons I too have read your E-mails over Arthur's shoulder. They are objectionable. I am building a lucrative business from the pitiful shambles of your "team." The image you project will not bolster investor confidence in CHIMERA INC. Desist or I will purchase what you love most and then destroy it.
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SUBJECT: Yeah Well Your Emails Are Terrifying
Oh creampuff, I've missed you too --
SUBJECT: Re: I'm coming on top of you Friday night
Sometimes I hate you so much it's invigorating.
SUBJECT: Re: Re: I'm coming on top of you Friday night