rave (dorkorific) wrote,

no wonder i don't have any money

I'm behind on comments and there are a trillion things I am tempted to talk about -- mostly, let's be honest, soccer, NBC's thursday night lineup (I think "The Fight" might have been my favorite episode of anything on television, ever? but maybe that's just the Snake Juice talking) and dudes. Because I watched Easy A again. That Stanley Tucci, AM I RIGHT LADIES???

But more importantly: consumerism. You know "Things I Bought That I Love," Mindy Kaling's tragically defunct listing of/commentary on same? I wanna do it. I buy things, especially now that I have a real job and I am confused by how much money that involves. (hint: it's not a lot. but anything over, say, $17k a year seems to me miraculous and I feel like I have to SPEND IT ALL RIGHT AWAY JESUS CHRIST I CANNOT DEAL WITH HAVING ANY MONEY GET IT OUT OF MY POCKETS.)

So here's some stuff I think is pretty great, for various shallow reasons. I bought it and I anti-regret it every day. You should buy it too.

1. BDG Tees

Okay, this picture does not make them look like the most practical garments on the planet, unless you work at I Can See Your Underpants Inc. But I am telling you, I have them in about 12 colors, and they are the most useful basics in my arsenal. Layer 'em with a pretty camisole or just some cheap-ass tanks from Old Navy or wherever to offset the significant Cleavage Factor. I wear them to work with ~trousers~ (you can't just call them "pants" if you wear them to work) or a belted skirt, and to drinks with skinny jeans, and now that summer is here it's like, SHORTS AHOY.

(Ps. You know how you never wear shorts? Once upon a time I never did either, but fuck that noise. Wear shorts. Your legs are awesome, they are fucking miracles of science and magic, they deserve better than to itch and sweat and feel ashamed of themselves. I give my endorsement to shorts.)

2. Seychelles Purr wedges

Speaking of your awesome legs. Would you like them to look even more awesome? Did you even know that was possible? IT IS. Look, man, I got them thicky-thick runner's calves. I love my powerful tendons, don't get me wrong, but I do not have delicate Mucha ankles. But bro, I put these babies on, and suddenly I am a toweringly sexy Charlize Theron type person and ZZ Top starts playing in my head and I'm like FUCKIN YEAH. Also, they are insanely comfortable -- not just for four-inch platforms, but for, you know, anything. I have them in the Vachetta. I'm gonna get them in the brown, too, so if you're a size 9.5 you can just step the fuck off.

3. Rosetta Stone

Would you like to learn how to say useful things like "The horse is running" and "The male child holds a yellow apple?" (I am assuming you will learn other things too, but I'm only on Level One Lesson 4 so, you know, this is where we're at.) Yes: Rosetta Stone is crazy expensive. However, if I think of the number of semesters' worth of Spanish I'd have to take at the Learning Annex to learn as much as I'm doing, it actually seems mad affordable. ONE DAY, NERUDA. ONE DAY I WILL READ YOU NOT IN TRANSLATION AND IT WILL BE WELL WORTH THE HUNDREDS OF BUCKS.

Also, it is fun after a long day of being a cog in the soul-sucking corporate machine to sit at your laptop with your glass of wine, shouting "ELLOS NADAN! EL PERRO NADA!!!!" into your headset. It makes the pleasant little "good job, student!" dingy sound and you're like, maybe I am a success after all.

4. Urban Decay primer potion, Stila liquid eyeliner pen, and the terrifyingly-named Make Up Forever Smoky Lash

One of the first things to occur to me when I dropped out of law school -- I swear to God, I had this thought verbatim -- was "Oh good, now I will have time to learn to do liquid eyeliner!" And now I look like this, every day.

Hahahahaha NOPE! But with a certain amount of effort, I can now approximate a knockoff without drawing black doodles all over my temples, which is more than I could even hope for before. Here's what I used: Youtube videos and a lot of spare time. YOU CAN DO THIS TOO. And you will be so disproportionately pleased with yourself, it'll just kill you.

You don't think you need primer potion, do you? Well, in the grand scheme of things you probably don't. "Need" should be for food and clean water and a safe loving home. But if your first-world problems are limited to "when I put on eyeliner it looks like little Billy has been scampering all over my eyeballs," then Primer potion is miraculous for making your eyeliner come out in a continuous line, like a human. And that stila pen -- I mean, maybe you like fiddling with twitchy little brushes and shit? I don't. The stila pen is, essentially, a crayola marker for your eye. It's fuckin incredible. And that mascara -- I don't know, it's mascara. It doesn't clump. It makes my lashes all smudgy-swoony-Old-Hollywood looking. I really like it. I wear it every day. That's all I got.

5. Esther Williams one-piece

Lest it is not clear enough from everything I write/having been born a woman in Western society, I have for many years struggled with myriad body image issues, some serious, some standard-issue. As such I like bathing suits about as much as the next person, which is to say "sometimes I have to think about them." However, since becoming the owner of one of these Monroe-esque babies--mine is in white even--I actively look forward to the time when I can wear a bathing suit. I don't even mean to a pool. Just, like, around the house. Cleaning. Doing laundry. Grocery shopping. Seriously, triple-dare anyone to notice your bodily flaws in this swimsuit. No one can, because they are too awed by your beauty/chutzpah/uniqueness. People will actually fall in love with you in such numbers and with such speed that it will freak you out. Just trust me on this one, okay? This swimsuit is the traveling pants of the entire universe.

6. Oatmeal Squares.

The best cereal. End of.

7. AE studded gladiator sandals

I'm a believer in the idea that you should invest in quality shit instead of just buying crap that is made of industrial plastic and pain and will not last. HOWEVER, sometimes crap is so cheap, so cute, and so marginally acceptable in craftsmanship that I put aside my objections. Such is the case with these sandals. They run at least a size too large, the zip-up heel is slightly too high and has a tendency, if not fended off with band-aids, to saw through your achilles, and they are at first cagelike in their stiffness. But oh my god, they look so good, and after having been broken in some they are even comfortable. AND THEY'RE ON SALE! RUN! EVERYBODY RUN!!!

(PROTIP: this works better with actual materials, but even with fake leather like this, if you 1. put on your stiff new shoes and soak them in the bathtub, and then 2. walk around in the sunshine for a while, they will mold to your feet kind of as they dry! Incredible! Although if you want to avoid blisters you probably have to wear socks during this process. If you feel like an idiot pretend you're an Urban Outfitters model. They wear nonsense like that all the time.)

8. Shit for your nails

["clambake," "meet me at sunset"
"sweet talker," "merino cool"
"sew psyched".]

I hate how much I love nail polish. But you know what, I love nail polish. It is a very easy way to feel that you are in charge of your cosmetic destiny, and also something to do while watching Netflix Instant. I change my color like, roughly every three days, for jollies. Today I'm wearing "sew psyched," the last of the bottles pictured above -- you can't really tell how awesome it is from there, though. It's this fantastic creamy sage-y camo graygreen that says "I am tough, yet verdant." Much like myself. When I remember -- which is not always -- I use a non-acetone remover and plastic-backed pads so I don't get gross fibrous residue all over my fingers which always makes me feel like I have Morgellon's. (warning: do not click on that link if, like me, you are susceptible to Wikipedia-based hypochondria.)

Also if you get bored with your color and you feel SPICY you can always add a glitter overlay! YOUR NAILS WILL BE LIKE A GALAXY. You'll love it. I swear to god.

If you wear dark colors, and in fact even if you don't, a conditioning oil is magic for keeping that crap out of your cuticles. Oh and I use Insta Dri because I'm lazy and I have ADD and if I didn't use it I would always have wet nail polish all over my snacks. But apparently it gives you cancer or something, so, you know, keep that in mind. Pros and cons.

9. things that smell nice

[demeter grass; annick goutal le chevrefeuille; black orchid by tom ford; burberry brit sheer.]

Like nail polish, perfume is a wholly unnecessary indulgence which is very important to me. I like going to The Perfumed Court and buying sample sizes very late at night, so then they arrive and I'm like -- who bought this! how delightful!

The four above are my jam right now. Demeter makes an awesome library of unusual evocative scents. Grass is fucking amazing. It actually has the sweet spiciness of real grass, that fresh-mown smell. (cough cough Xabi Alonso probably smells like this not that I sometimes pretend I've borrowed my larger sweatshirts from him that would be weird.) also if you layer it with a honeysuckle like Le Chevrefeuille or Demeter Honeysuckle, you will smell like an actual sun-warmed meadow. When I do this I spend a lot of time with my nose buried in my own wrists. Brit Sheer is also light and summery and lovely.

Black Orchid, on the other hand, just -- evokes sex. It is pure vulgar complex pheromone, and it's mfing delicious.

10. DOOM duster ring

Okay, this isn't really shit I bought that I love. It's shit I just love. THIS RING IS AWESOME AND WE SHOULD ALL APPRECIATE HOW AWESOME IT IS.

I think ten is enough, so let's cut it off there. PLAY ME OFF, RON SWANSON/GREATEST GIF EVER

Tags: capitalism, i am lucky magazine
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